Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Watch Out For These Signs

Should I Give My Girlfriend A Second Chance?

For more information on how to cope with infidelity, check out Will She Cheat Again?

This week, Doc Love, author of "The System," answers a reader's question about his cheating girlfriend.

Reader's Question

Hey Doc,

I bought your book recently and haven’t started it yet, but I keep hearing great things about it!

Jini and I met seven years ago and fell in love at first sight. Because of our situations at the time we didn’t start dating right away. We actually started dating three years ago when she told me she had broken up with her boyfriend of five years. But the truth of the matter was that we were in a love triangle with her alleged ex but I didn’t know it. One day I got sick of it and ended it altogether. Jini and I stopped talking and that was that, or so I thought.

My feelings for Jini are very, very strong and I would do anything for her. So six months ago we started talking again. This time there was no ex involved. I am a firm believer in second chances! We are now engaged. But there is one little issue I have. Jini talks to a guy named Bill who she had a past with. They had a one-night stand a couple of years ago and we have gotten into fights over him texting her. It’s not anything romantic between them, but just a simple conversation and on occasion they do hang out and grab a quick lunch or something. My problem is that because of her cheating and the old love triangle, I’m afraid she may cheat again. I tried talking to her and I talked to Bill and they both assure me that it was just one night and that they are just friends and nothing more, and Jini has sworn to me herself that she has zero interest in him. She tells me every time I bring him up that if she wanted to be with him she would, but she says she’s in love with me.

We are planning our wedding and Jini has already bought her dress and we have a date set. My question is, how do I overcome the feeling that something will happen between Bill and my fiancée when they hang out? How do I know that Bill won’t make a move on Jini? How do I know she won’t cheat on me when she has a past history of cheating?

Dickinson — who can’t seem to rest easy 

Doc Love's Response

Hi Dickinson,

Let me get this straight. You’re asking me a question, but you have my book sitting right next to you unread. What sense does that make? It would help you enormously to memorize my book and ask a question at the same time. One more thing: all of the answers to all of your questions are right there in “The System.” So what are you waiting for?

The truth is that Jini lied to you about having gotten rid of her ex when you and she started dating. What does this say to you, Dickinson? It says that she’s dishonest, she’s not trustworthy, and she’s not loyal. So she displayed three traits straight out of the gate that proclaim loudly and clearly that she's no good for you.

You didn’t really end this thing with Jini, dude. So of course you broke down and called her — and begged for another shot with her. When you say that you’re a firm believer in second chances, I know you never even opened my book, because “The System” doesn’t believe in second chances.

Now as far as Bill is concerned, you don’t know what happened in that relationship. All you can go by is what Jini told you. And since she liedbefore, how do you know that she’s not lying about what she’s doing with this guy? The reason that they hang out and eat lunch all the time is because he wants her back. Why are you rationalizing for her? Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Are you oblivious, my son?” Of course you’re afraid that Jini’s going to cheat again because she did it before. This is the smartest thing you’ve said so far, pal!

But according to you, both Bill and Jini assure you that it was only one night and meant nothing. Sounds to me like you’re talking to two liars in a new love triangle, guy! But Jini swears to you that she has zero interest in Bill. If she has such little interest in him, why does she go on seeing him?

Jini might swear that she’s in love with you, but she still wants to see Bill. If she loved you, she would sever all contact with Bill to preserve your peace of mind. But like my cousin General Love says, “Your peace of mind apparently means nothing to her.”

Nevertheless, you’re going to go ahead and marry this girl. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “I hope Bill’s going to be the best man!” Have you asked him yet, Dickinson?

How do you overcome your feeling that something bad is going to happen when Bill and your fiancée hang out? Buddy, your stomach is talking to you. Your gut is telling you to “Beware! Stay out of harm’s way!” That’s what’s really going on here and that’s what the problem really is. You’re not listening to your gut, which is trying like hell to protect you, but you won’t let it.

You don’t know that Bill isn’t going to make a move on Jini. But how do you know she’s not going to make a move on him? You got it backwards, man! And you can’t be sure that Jini isn’t going to cheat on you precisely because she has a past of cheating.

Remember, guys: When you catch her in a lie, it’s time to move on.