What Do You Do When She Makes The First Move?

She Makes The First Move

This week, Doc Love, author of "

The System," discusses what to do when the girl flirts with you first.

Reader's Question

Hey Doc,

I have a question for you. Normally I wouldn’t even ask, but I don’t have a clue with this woman. And — not to be cocky — normally I have enough “people knowledge” to figure it all out myself, but this was a new one on me.

Last Sunday I went alone to a lounge café to drink some wine and relax after a long day of work. I planted myself on a chair in front of the bar, I talked a bit with the owner, who I know, and when he served my third drink, he said it was from a single beautiful girl. I was baffled. A few minutes later she came out of the restroom and sat closely next to me. And yes, she was gorgeous. I couldn’t believe my luck. We talked a bit and out of nowhere she grabbed my arm and said “You’re my husband tonight.” I looked around. At the bar there were no ex-boyfriends, just a few 80-year-old men. (I always look around to make sure there are no jealous ex-boyfriends lurking in the shadows.) I was stunned, but also a little bit high, and I said “OK, why not.” We talked and I found out that Beverly was 29 years old going on 30 later this year. (I’m 24, by the way). We laughed and talked, and I took her out on the floor for a slow dance. We talked more, and drank more, and when another guy sat at the bar she proudly announced to him that I was her husband of many years.

Now here’s the wrinkle. At midnight I left the café with no woman, no number, no nothing. Now I didn’t ask Beverly for her number, but I have to wonder why an older, single woman who was a complete stranger just said to me that she wanted me to be her husband. Maybe she was on drugs or a psycho, but she seemed too sweet and normal to be either.

So Doc, what happened and what were Beverly’s intentions? Did she want me to ask for her number, or kiss her, or challenge her and give her affection, or was she just bored?

Quick — who was slow on the draw 

Doc Love's Response

Hi Quick,

If you would allow me to train you, you would have all women figured out. Because women are consistently like women and not like men. That’s what “The System” teaches you. Among many, many other things that you obviously don’t know.

When Beverly whispered “You are my husband tonight,” you should have said “Before we think about marriage, I should have your phone number.” Then, when you were out dancing with her, you should have asked her where she was from, what she did for a living, how long she’s been in town, etc. In other words, you should have conducted a soft interview to get a feel for where she was coming from by how open and honest she was with her answers to these probing questions. But you did nothing.

My friend, the biggest mistake of your life was leaving that café with no woman, no number, no nothing. To you Psych majors, you have to ask for the phone number. Dude, why in the world wouldn’t you ask for the phone number when a woman asks you to be her husband for the evening? You have to ask yourself this question, Quick: Why didn’t you ask for Beverly’s phone number after she came on to you so strongly? How did you think you were going to see her later on if you didn’t have her phone number? Did you expect to just run into her on the street? Did you expect her to show up at your front door? This is the equivalent of being in the first grade in “The System.” Asking for the phone number is basic.

You want to know why a beautiful woman would ask you to be her husband. The answer is that you don’t know — which is why you gently probe, get her phone number, then take her out and find out later. Meanwhile, you enjoy her for what she is — a good-looking woman who happened to hustle you, and that’s a very good start.

You want to think that maybe Beverly was on drugs or a psycho case, but maybe she was just being cute and funny that night because she had too much Gallo wine to drink and she was just playing with you, and there’s no more to it than that. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “You’re making a mountain out of a molehill here, boy!” Maybe telling you that you were her husband for the evening was just a way for Beverly to be verbally affectionate with you in order to get the ball rolling, drink wine with you, and dance with you. It’s that simple. But again, you didn’t ask for her phone number, so you don’t know anything for certain.

What happened and what were Beverly’s intentions? To have a good time with you that night by dancing and drinking with you, and to be sweet and nice to you, but you dropped the ball because you were so flustered trying to figure out what was going on rather than just saying to yourself “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth — get her number!”

What did Beverly want from you? She wanted you to ask her for her phone number. She didn’t want you to kiss her. She didn’t want you to Challenge her or give her affection. And she wasn’t bored. She liked you, guy, but you didn’t close the deal. In other words, you didn’t ask for the order – i.e., “What’s your phone number?”

Remember, guys: When a woman comes on to you, you have to ask for her phone number.